Meaning

It's not just handed  

to you  

you have to go and find it

and some days  

you do not accept  

your mission  

wishing you could  

sink down in the dark

and just sleep  

wishing you had  

never wished  

for anything  

like purpose  

I made a list

I went away

and I'm not sure who 

moved into

this space. 

------------ 

And now 

to fix

the mess we made:

And where to put

these things we do

not need?

------------ 

I made a list  

of all I have  

that are not things

at all.

Every moment 

ask yourself

What's really  

true?

What then? 

Finally

I am cold  

and not sure

how to return

from the

shockingly  

empty space 

I'd kept pushed

to the bottom

of the earth.

And now something  

has broken 

and slowly unwound  

and I've buried  

myself in my  

endless search 

for enough:

bleeding 

with the pain

of never

and finally  

dropping  

the thread. 

The wait

I'm not sure 

if I can tell you

what I'm waiting for

but it does feel like 

a space caught in between

no matter 

what I'm doing

or what story I tell myself.

Still

this deep chasm

this held breath,

wondering if there is something more

not letting go 

of this hold we're in.

Can you feel it or are you 

one of the lucky ones,

able to let go,

able to care less?

Beneath

I can see

you

beneath your words,

the spite 

I have heard at every 

other turn:

the wrong,

the slights

the deceitful 

empty black and shallow core,

and I find it hard to stay apart 

I walk away feeling like

I let something into the house

that I didn't want

I can't find

but I will get out.

False alarm

The fire alarm just stopped

blaring. Given the choice between

leaving this nest of blankets  

and betting on a false alarm,  

I stayed put  

and imagine them saying  

of the girl in 1166

when the role call came up short:

She must have been cold.

And they would be right  

Extremes

The extremes 

are what cause problems.

Otherwise we'd just move on

and get over it the next day. 

Instead we hang on to the ledge,

insisting we are nothing like them

while our striving beyond reason

to be their opposite speaks volumes:  

silently bound to our exquisite rebellion.  

Subterfuge

Something  

has shifted:

I'm not sure if it's  

caring less, 

giving up

or slowly retreating.

------------ 

l feel compelled  

only slightly  

to understand, 

let alone move  

or step outside  

into the sun -

for this moment

at least. 

 ------------

I always try  

to end on hope:

So here:

A moment is shorter  

than even a single  

breath. 

Know this

I see you doing it too

trying to make someone care  

thinking you can,  

not knowing it's 

hopeless: 

like stopping rain,

wishing away cold,

wondering why the 

water has seeped 

through your hands  

when you look down 

and they're empty.  

I can't tell you 

If they were born 

so void of heart,

if they killed it in a 

sudden blow  

or watched it slowly sink 

into the icy deep abyss.

------------

But know this: 

protect your heart

or you will end up  

feeding it to 

the beast.

Promise

It's kind of unreal -

the days keep unwinding,  

but I seem to have gone  

somewhere else.  

My fears once kept me

painfully aware  

until one day this:

thoughts are nothing 

and nothing matters. 

Fragments of dreams:  

buying apples in a store,

a boat,

and now that I'm trying  to remember:

nothing.

Some days purpose  

is bright like the sun

and other days  

you just know 

there will be

rain.  

Something so small

I was not meant

to be in that room

at that moment  

with those people,  

But is it possible 

to have been anywhere else?

Maybe I needed 

to admit at last

That it doesn't fit, 

And I'm done trying  

to cram myself into

something so small.  

What's mine

For a moment 

I stand thick

In the stillness,  

away from the water

caught pooled

in your mind. 

You ask me what to do,

and from somewhere  

I say "run,"

so you run

down the path

away from us. 

------------ 

I imagine

you stopping

looking  

at an impossible

blue sky, 

painted for this moment

and seeing nothing. 

------------ 

And still you

choose 

to come back

and breathe  

with me,

and stay.

Lucid

I hand you the power  

you've always taken

for granted, 

taken for yours -

your only weapon: 

acting as if I don't exist:

this ghost among the living

since the day I had a name.

------------

Endless faces, endless  

forms, a worn and tired story.

And I finally comprehend  

the longing to be lucid  - 

(No, it does not interrupt 

the long unwinding of time  

If it's already shattered: 

tint fragments of a broken watch 

falling on cold stone,

running into shallow cracks

and even darker holes. )

------------ 

I promise you this:

the next time you appear  

all smug and full of

the acrid audacity

that's so irretrievably yours, 

I will wake up, 

I will look you in the face  

and I will take back

my rightful  

sacred space. 

(Has no one really

ever asked  

"How could you?" )

Next day

The pain in my dream

became real when I woke:

head split in two

wondering why

I poison myself this way.

I could say no. 

Just because it's there  

I do not have to take it:

and exactly the reason I do. 

------------- 

The blue and pink light, 

long colorless hair, 

sound to curl into, 

a strange and empty lack of words

between the spinning forms

of ageless girls, 

------------ 

And I walked with her  

not sure if I'd gone, 

waiting to see  

if the knife was for me. 

Happy to wake  

to the gift of light,

the solidity  

of another day.

The perfect day

If I can't feel

the depth of you  

then does the breadth suffice? 

How far are we 

from sober,

from buying every dress in the store

and wishing they all fit?

Clearly I am not

that lemon yellow -

You are much better suited to  

these blissful summer hues.

Still, I found my perfect fit.  

It may have been expensive  

It may have taken time

but it's mine.  

Ready

Each year

these dark naked

branches  

dance with life

again -

not only fragrant

bursting flowers,  

but every bee

there is  -

so that it  

sounds as if 

the tree itself  

is alive and  

buzzing  

and ready.

Long as I Breath

I am bound to you

by time and 

space and

even though  

you've left this plane,

you delivered me here -

and I still feel 

your heart beat

with mine,

as long as I breath,

as long as

I write.  

Thoughts

Why do you betray us?

throwing shadows from the sun

we've so painfully shaped in our hands. 

Offering us the dark corners - 

as if we'd hang them on the fridge. 

I'm not buying that you started this  

to keep us safe, once upon a time. 

You've been driving for way too long 

and I hereby offer you  

an all expenses paid 

infinite vacation. 

It would be easy

Sitting beyond the window  

I almost missed the sun setting

orange to pink to purple  

then black.

It would be easy 

to dismiss the  

intensity of color

as the effect of 

pollution down here -  

cynical? 

or realistic?  

My canine friend

You sigh,

long, dramatic, 

won't let me pet your  

most times petable head. 

You know we're leaving. 

"But your friend is coming," 

I say. 

You pretend you're asleep. 

I remember doing that too,

when my parents would check on me. 

I wonder if they knew

that one of my earliest memories 

was not wanting to worry anyone?

My canine friend,  

we will be back.  

Please wait  

for us.