I'm just here
or trying to be
it's harder than
you think
if I forget you
does that mean
that I don't care
enough
you would never
expect
my sadness
I sit in the sun
walk down the beach
sleep as long as I can
for you
The other side
The other side
of this ground
I'm on are choices
I forgot to make
before drifting
back to here
I sense the ghosts
of you still here
with me
the peace that
carries my
heavy aching
heart
How You Were
It doesn't fade
it just grows deeper
in my heart
and when I think
of you
when it doesn't hurt
this much
it will be running
with you
lying in the sun
and sighing
just like you did.
you taught me more
than I ever knew.
She is here
In spirit
always
in the shapes
that emerge
from the ocean of grass
the tiny bird
coming every day
hopping closer
so we can't help
but smile
and we know
she'd have had
plenty to say
before her
bark had faded
and the gentleness
remained
I will remember
all of her
there is room
enough
in my human
heart
What you knew
We humans
think we know
so much
and that's our
problem
isn't it?
You gave us nothing
but your love
and I know
that's what
you took with you
when you
went
Alone
I am walking
alone
imagine you bounding
ahead
the earth cannot keep
up with your flying feet
you cannot take the smells
in fast enough
I swear you would
smile
disappear
fly back to us
crash again through
the underbrush
I smell the sweet
air for you
try not to fear
when three men
walk by
glancing
back anyway
but knowing
you are always here
with me
Echoes
Echoes
of you still
linger
I am too raw
to even think
of the good times
to numb to talk
to you
rest now
my dear sweet one
I will hold you
forever
Exhale
To begin again
to exhale
I haven't let you go
nor will I ever
what slowly falls
is my carrying your pain -
as if it were mine
and I picture you running
all your animal strength
across the feilds
the ocean
woods
and knowing
we had given this
to you.
Rest your
beautiful soul
my friend
Split
I'd forgotten
how the grief
comes in waves
the absense of you
the fading of your sounds
this empty silent house
as we work to fill
it back with two.
White Rose
I walked
5 blocks the wrong
way with
the last light of day
and all those roses
glowed like the
scents you grew
the only peace you knew
and in between the house
and next
a leaping puppy grey
and new
played like you
somewhere
with the roses
time stands
still
No reason
And why should
there be?
or not be?
Tonight I find I'm
scared of the dark
as if I were a child
knowing you've left me
fearing my own
halting steps
my brave little
one who kept fighting
kept going
I know you needed
us to lead you
one last time
and
I miss you
How would I know
That I'd barely make it
to 10:00 without
crying for you
how many times
that next day
all I could think
of was your
sweet sweet face
those loving
trusting eyes
and my love for
you
And this you know
will never
ever
stop
That day
The sun
your last day
with us
the breeze on your
face
i know you felt
it and I know
you took the love
we gave you
with you
I will always remember
those sweet brown
eyes
my most
precious one
Listen
I guess I still
believe that I can
take this pain from you
and rather take it on
than see you hurt
since I was born
quite torn in two
so what's another layer
and besides
it's somehow all my fault
for knowing you
for being born.
i know.
Don't even say
the words.
But knowing
is not feeling,
is it?
Gift
I feel like
we've been gone
for a long time
wrapped up in our
own version
of this script
as if we both
lost the line
that held it all
together
and then
looking over
found that
we were both
just standing
in the same shadow
holding our breath
not able to look
each other in the
eye
for fear of all
we knew
Roots
I question every word
I say
the hunger
searching for food
is deeper, you're right
I've been searching
all my life
did you just make me
a whore for sympathy?
i don't know
i cant see straight
anymore
in trying to be true
to myself
while denying
this deep unending
questioning.
I'm all I have
so I'll accept that
for now
I watch you
And all I can do
is help you back
up, tell you it's okay
to rest.
i think I took it all and
put it away
those last days
when you couldn't
sleep and we
couldn't save you
know my dear friend
how very much
you'll always be
with us
From you
You sent me this gift
this fleeting exchange
with something you saw
and reminded me that none of us
can own these things
but all of us can stop
for just this breath
in time
What we weave
I read your words
your passing of the flame
and hear you say
that every soul
we meet is here
to learn whatever
life has planned
but that the fabric is not
bound
that it can change
the copper gold
and simple cloth
does not become
complete until
we're wrapped in it.
Push
Push
past the weight
of sleeping long and
deeply
for as long
as you can take.
Nothing wrong
with stepping
out, the problem
is the coming back
the waking up
from this
extended longing -
once you let it
go you may not
be the same.