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My heart
my mind
still miss what
never was
a phantom life
a shadow plane
but less as time
floats by and I build
instead of longing
conjure up some purpose
for that empty
dark abyss.
The forgetting
might include my keys
the groceries
some important date.
I hope you have
the room to
let it be
It might work to
push it back
and spend a few
brief moments
in ill begotten peace
until it shows its face again
angry and neglected
demanding retribution
asking when you're
planning
to feed it
for a change
I've given up
in a good way
in the best way
are you still holding
your breath?
do you still care about
a number?
Does the sun
each day fail
to reach your heart?
drop them now
and move so fast
away they'll never
reach you
How can we carry on
i sometimes wish I hadn't
that I'd dropped out
before I started building
this -
but I had no choice
I had to make it right
don't tell me I have
no purpose
what if we could
run up the tree
chasing each other
like lizards
flying through the
leaves baking
In the sun
would we be amy less
important
in this moment
on this day?
maybe I should
learn to celebrate
myself and no one
would suspect
it's all an act
and then ever so
slowly the truth
would seep in
like the sunrise
shifting pink to red
strength finding
its ground
Theres only so much
that is ours
to defend to protect
to keep from harm
the waves continue to lap
the kitten cries
for what
I hope I see
her again
own who you are
it's such a cliche but
we're taught to be so fake
at least I was -
be nice do what's right
the truth was like a poison
fuck that
I wish I could scream
as loud as I want
every last stolen
grain of truth
from the start
to take it back
to start again
i guess that's
actually the reason
why we're here:
to find and claim
and keep the truth
that's ours.
Are you here for
a reason just because you're here?
or are we all just accidents?
can moments really be untwined
from everything that
came before
we would be scared to move
to make a choice
to turn right
instead of left.
So now I've learned to
listen to the hum beneath
the words
What if I told you
we're utterly free
since this moment
and every one that follows
Is ours for the taking
is our choice to make.
It's a bit much, I know
I often ignore it too
but I'm starting
to realize
that effort is better
than nothing
What if nothing
means anything
dreams are as some people
think the trash piles
of our waking life
death just means it's just over
sky is only sky
you are just mean
and nothing is learned
well then there really
would be no point
would there?
well I choose
the hummingbird
standing for
luck and sunlight
and joy
I chose the level
beneath
I worry about you
It means I care
to you it feels like
being squashed into the corner
held beneath the water
told you cannot speak.
So I don't tell you
I just do it inside
knowing that you somehow
know I care
What if words
alone created
what we see
and touch and feel
we're like puppies used
to being free
and then
the leash
but we don't
mind if tethered
to what's love
what's true
what takes us out
into the moonlit
night
We steal moments
that are rightfully ours
and it feels like trying
to hold onto something
just out of reach.
When I realize this is how
I feel, I wonder how we
ever let this happen
but there is no them
theres only us.
And everything we
we ever choose
I'm falling into the shape
the form I always was
and somehow ceased to be
we seem to move away
then back again
years drawing us
forward like waves
the open endless sea
until we find ourselves
wherever we began
I feel you here
as I navigate the dark
house alone
except for moonlit corners
clocks unwinding minutes
to tomorrow
your spot is empty
but you're here with us
like always
every single time
I return
a different
landscape
Which I guess
is how two
people can spend
a lifetime together
learning to see
with an artist's eyes
the colors and shapes
of the subtly
changing light
that sadly
some will never
notice
not for lack of trying
the pain is still there
waiting
I take it to the beach
feed it something
warm
paint it a picture
I don't know what it wants
to be felt I guess.
I thought we'd made
our peace:
we'll have to see.
I remember
that day
vaguely but still
the path open as
it's always been
waiting for any
one of us
to return
and claim our right
to peace
solitude
the simple
trees
It's strange
that you're not here
with me
so suddenly
i think of
you and see you
in my dreams
does that not
make you real
I guess we go on
living in the minds
of those who make
us who we are
I hope you have
the greenest grass
to walk on
to roll in
upside down.
Copyright 2017 Theresa Soltzberg
info@theresasoltzberg.com