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You are not me
it's easy to forget
when I'm feeling
your feelings as if they were mine
a habit I guess
from the expectation
of carrying
whatever was passed
to me out of guilt
obligation
and now I don't know where
I stand
where to stand
who I am
and I need to just stand
and draw lines
around
the body in the ground
the fallout
of my time with you
is always feeling
wrong
like deep unmoving
why am I alIve -
that kind of wrong
i look at it
as payment
for the freedom
kept from
you and given
me
and so I slowly
find the
scattered
words
Is a day a day
if you sleep through
the entire thing
not having realized
you
fell asleep
til it's over
that it's over
not the waking
every hour feeling
guilty
saying oh well
guess I'll sleep more
what the hell
through guilt or
lack of choice
just solid
motionless
undusturbed
sleep
like death
I might not have
words for the
unease I feel
the waiting to heal
to forgive myself
for all my past
transgressions
which are norhing
more than being human
really
just like trees are trees
or hills are hills
their grace is in their
just not knowing
the fact of it
I keep going
down the same path
knowing I'm trapped
and unable to stop
moving over drawn out
well worn lines
if I draw them
instead maybe
then I can
change course
maybe
Another stranger
just like me
you say you
don't know me anymore
I know it's a joke
but really did you
ever?
Do the one
thing
you care about
every single day:
just because
you decided to
and you will
open gates,
throw open doors
that lead to what's
been dying
to get out
You may have noticed
dogs don't even face
the ocean
as a rule
They look any way
they want
most likely at
whatever smells
the best
while we stare out
in wonder
having stepped
out from our cage
Go back to what
you always wanted -
that every single
person in your life
said not to do:
the frivolous
impractical
and aimless
that will never make
you a living
but will bring
you beyond living to
the someday
you've kept
hidden
at the bottom
of the
drawer.
When did we become
ourselves despite
whatever darkness
came along -
tucked into the corners
waiting to seep out
and cover all the color
with pure black?
We scraped it back
mixed it in
and somehow
kept our hearts
contained inside
I'm not sorry
I came back
I'm only sorry that I
left you in the first place
listened to no,
to how joy is deemed
impossible
and too sparse
to go around
I left you where?
the side of the road?
back with those people
who barely spoke to you?
you're obviously
stronger than
these eyes
will ever see
I imagine that
I'm real
sketching conclusions
on the back
of an envelope
fighting for all
that was lost to you
in one short life
I stepped out
of the maze
and the sun
was still there
and the rest of the
world seemed to know
all along that
the days are not endless
and time is not ours
and that
nothing can keep
us from this
I have decided
to stay true
to myself
at the risk of losing
you and all you
stand for
you might say
this is a turning
point -
that
I'm done
living in the shadows
Do I draw you
like a magnet
like a gaggle
of cackling birds
I've been working
a lifetime
to find the higher
ground
and I claw, I climb
every minute day week
until just that one drink
I'm careening
back down
and the walls
close back
in on the sky
I push the memories
way far back
so when this unwelcome
guest sits down
without knocking
like he owns the place
like he can traipse in with
heavy dirty work boots
any time,
I can see right through
those glassy eyes
all the way to the bottom
of the sea
I'm not sure where I am
at times.
I wake half believing
I'm in some bed from
years ago
same lone barking
in the distance
same half alive
unseeing daze.
Its still me
and I could trace
the number of moves
that brought
me here
and now
I could mark this
moment
either by the lack of air
or the gift of lying
here as still as the wind
not as much waiting
as simply being
a part of the landscape
smaller than life
in a good way
It's just past the time
that's too late
to sleep
midnight and dark
the moon is
even asleep
the whole world
heavy with night
except for this one
live wire
The colors
transform
take you from your
black and white
world to another
brighter complex
plane
with endless sun
and fruit
and sea
Copyright 2017 Theresa Soltzberg
info@theresasoltzberg.com